I was this close to committing suicide
3 years post-depression
In 2021, I told the world I had survived six years of chronic depression and a suicide attempt.
For those who “knew me well,” it came as a major surprise. I didn’t appear or behave like I had a mental condition because mental diseases have no outward signs. “Madness or signs of erraticness” is a typical characteristic of someone suffering from a mental disease.
I wasn’t mad. I behaved calmly, laughed, and played with friends. I appeared to be an energetic young person.
I haven’t experienced depression in 3 years, and I’ve been anxiety-free for a year. My life has been better and more peaceful ever since. I can’t deny experiencing sadness, mild anxiety, worry, and other emotions; they are part of life. I no longer give them much time to settle.
How did I get over my anxiety and depression after six years?
- I quit reading self-help books and watching motivational speeches.
They were good and, to some extent, helpful, but they weren’t sustainable. I started reading the Bible in bits and pieces instead.
The Youversion Bible app won my heart. I studied biblical verses and plans on love, joy, worry, and depression because I needed to learn to love myself. I confessed the scriptures, scribbled them down on Post-its, and continued to repeat them to myself.
The impact on my mental health didn’t happen right away, but as I read more of the Bible’s accounts of people much like me and other Christian storytellers, I started to feel seen—that I wasn’t the only person struggling with depression.
2. I stopped seeing myself as mentally ill.
Although no doctor ever diagnosed me with clinical depression, I recognized it in myself. I had the symptoms, and thus I became this person. I began to see myself differently when I read the scriptures and Bible plans on depression.
I began to perceive myself as Christ did: lovely, gifted, competent, and deserving. This was something that I couldn’t get from a thousand inspiring videos. I began to feel alive as a result of the power of God’s word.
3. I repaired my broken relationship with God
I told myself during the COVID-19 lockdown that I needed a fresh start with Jesus. I was then engaging in religious activity (a routine to prevent me from feeling less than a Christian). It had been a while since I had prayed, so I wasn’t sure where to start with God. I still continued to pray.
It all began when I expressed to God how I felt about separating from my school friends, my worry that being alone might lead to a mental collapse, and my irritation at having to take my finals at home. I randomly started talking to him.
I enjoyed talking to him. I wasn’t sure if he was listening or even cared that I was talking in circles. God heard, and his answer was tranquility. After each of our conversations, I felt at ease. My diminished joy and lack of calm and relaxation started to return as a result.
4. Journaling
Holding on to your story can add more to your pain than you can imagine. I held a lot of this pain within. During this battle, I wrote more about how I felt. Journaling was the way I shared my pain. I started journaling before discovering that God was a real person and that I could have a human conversation with him.
After writing privately about my struggle, I started to share these write-ups with the world. I created a blog called “iSparkle Knect” which was my way of helping people like me. I even had a team back then. I just felt the need to share and to help.
I’m glad I do this now, in good health and in partnership with God through “In His Light”
It’s been three years since I had an episode of mental illness. I’m in a happy place now. This, however, doesn’t eliminate feelings of sadness or disappointment; this comes with life. But now I have the Holy Spirit to air my short-tempered feelings too. It is beautiful and peaceful to be on this side of God.
So here’s what I’ve learned through it all: Leave all your cares and anxieties at the feet of the Lord, and measureless grace will strengthen you.
Psalms 55:22 (TPT)
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